‘Do not give dogs what is holy, and do not throw your pearls before pigs, lest they trample them underfoot and turn to attack you.’ – Matthew 7:6
A couple of years ago I went for coffee with someone to get to know them better. When they arrived, I thought they were in a peculiar mood. They seemed irritated and annoyed. As our conversation progressed, they became overly aggressive and confrontational about some plans I’d been working on. This person had no authority to speak into what I was planning. They were making uniformed assumptions. Things deteriorated to the point that I snapped a comment back that really got them angry. I apologised straight away.
I asked for a follow up meeting to discuss what had happened. They also wanted a meeting but asked for my husband to be present too. They were furious about what I had said and now had added their own slant to make it sound even worse. I’d already spoken to another leader to make myself accountable for what I had actually said, as I wasn’t trying to hide anything.
The second meeting started. It was clear this person was still angry and started accusing me of lying. I hadn’t changed my story or what had been said, but they insisted I had. They were soon shouting at me that I was a liar and I had to admit it. I have never seen this behaviour before. The only way to describe it was they were manifesting anger and rage. We didn’t get anything resolved and they left with the parting words, ‘I didn’t think you were a liar at the beginning of the meeting but now I know you are.’ This made no sense. They had already accused me of lying at the start of the conversation. Sadly, this was not the end of it. They went and spoke to others, and it later came back to me that I had apparently lied about something totally different than their initial accusation.
The sad thing about this conversation was that I’d gone in good faith that after my apology we could now be reconciled: ‘So if you are offering your gift at the alter and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother and then come and offer your gift’ – Matthew 5:23-24. In my work and church life I have always tried to sort out any misunderstanding or conflicts face to face. The very least of the outcomes has been to agree to disagree, and it cleared the air. But this was a case of casting your pearls! In hindsight, I now realise this person had no desire for a resolution or reconciliation. Their aim was to cause trouble. They were what Jesus called a wolf wrapped in sheepskin (Matthew 7:15). They cause division and chaos in their wake. I found out albeit too late, I wasn’t the first person to get that kind of treatment from them.
Being in a situation like this causes fallout. I had to forgive their words and actions which to be honest wasn’t difficult. I had determined that they had no right to have that much control over my life. But it did affect my health and wellbeing.
If I had known this person better, I would have handled the situation differently. I would have known that I was casting my pearls in the wrong direction: ‘A man of wrath stirs up strife and one given to anger causes much transgression.’ – Proverbs 29:22. I was too upset to have the wisdom that was required at the time. I naively thought a fellow believer would want to resolve a disagreement in a biblical way.
I’ve learned from this that sometimes my pearls should stay firmly in my pocket. Even though it’s my responsibility to be at peace with others (2 Corinthians 13:11), it isn’t always possible. When this happens, I am responsible to forgive, not speak out of turn and to pray for them. It was a hard lesson and a sad one. Not being able to reconcile with a fellow believer doesn’t sit well. But as someone who is a lot wiser said to me, they are ‘not my circus, not my monkeys’. Occasionally, wisdom says keep your pearls in your pocket, go to your secret place, pray blessing over them and leave them to Jesus.
Feature photo by Marin Tulard on Unsplash
